


Loving You Had Consequences

by solgyu



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Imbalance, Explicit Language, Implied Relationships, M/M, Making Out, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension, implied depression, light to heavy angst, mentions of weight, sleeping problems, sorry for making soobin suffer here :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28802970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solgyu/pseuds/solgyu
Summary: Simple as it may sound but loving Yeonjun was no easy. Not when Soobin pays for the price of doing so.Loving him causes Soobin's downfall. It was poison. Loving Yeonjun had consequences.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25
Collections: yeonbin_ficfest_2021





	Loving You Had Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> a self-indulgent extension of my [yeonbin/beomjun cheating au](https://twitter.com/gyuinara/status/1127158852133113856?s=20) because I can't sit still without writing more about Soobin's side.
> 
> This is part of the #yeonbinficfest2021 :) thank you so much for the personal dm asking me if I wanted to join. It was an honor.
> 
> And lastly, let me dedicate this to Kat. Happiest Birthday to you! Thank you so much for showing how invested and supportive you are of this au even if it's long over. Special mention to Nin, because I'm just as grateful to you :))
> 
> HAVE FUN SHDBFBS

_“Dirty tissues, trust issues_ _  
_ _Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you_ _  
_ _Lonely pillows in a stranger's bed_ _  
_ _Little voices in my head.”_

  
  
  


Taehyun, HueningKai, Jin, Namjoon, and maybe even Renjun — they were the people who Soobin was grateful for. To have them in his life was more than enough for him, more than what he could ask for considering all of the help they've given him without batting any lashes.

  
  


  
But sometimes it just gets into him. It would get to his brain that he has no one, and it's wired like that almost every day, but mostly during slumber and unwanted hours.   
  


  
“I shouldn't drink.”   
  


  
It was a line he repeated to himself like a mantra, as what his therapist had told him, not all problems are resolved by drinking alcohol. So instead, Soobin made his coffee at around 3:30 am.   
  


  
  
3:30 am and he's already on the third cup of coffee to consume.   
  
  


  
As much as he wanted to lay down and get tangled between his bedsheets instead, his mind would drift off to that one person he shouldn't even be thinking about anymore.   
  
  


  
Choi Yeonjun.   
  


  
  
At this point, Soobin thought that he's much more hopeless than the word hopeless itself. He's been a little too hopeless for so long that thinking of it now wouldn't be new to him anymore. It's like his blood runs with lack of hope, starting the day hopeless and then ending it with the same state, anticipating for the next day to come and go with him still being hopeless.   
  


  
  
It has been two months or so, Soobin didn't understand why he still felt that way. After getting all the help he didn't know he needed, he still felt the same thing. Torn to the core, entirety a little too broken, quite dysfunctional, and with no progress in life at all.   
  


  
  
Moving on from Yeonjun was harder than he thought it would be.   
  
  


  
“Fuck.”   
  
  


  
Swearing was now a recurring activity for Soobin, whether conscious or not, he does it.   
  


  
  
He placed his cup into the pile of dirty dishes he had since yesterday evening, leaving them once again as he purposely chose not to be troubled to wash all of those at that time and then dragging his feet roughly against the tiled floor to bring himself inside his bedroom and see if he could sleep. He should, but he wasn't sure if he could.   
  


  
  
Soobin's head was pounding from weeks of restless nights, and as soon his eyes landed on his bed, he plopped into it, face planting first. It did hurt, but he just couldn’t be bothered anymore when there were more body parts which hurt more than that.   
  
  


  
If he struggled sleeping before, this time, it was different. It was a lot worse than before as Soobin didn't just struggle sleeping now, he also feared doing so.   
  


  
  
His restless nights before they decided to part consisted of thinking about what the future has for him and Yeonjun, and now that they have parted, opposite to what he expected and hoped it would be, his nights were full of fear of sleeping and waking in the middle of the night because of a nightmare which has been haunting his dreams since that day happened.   
  


  
  
In his dreams, Yeonjun left him.   
  


  
  
It happened over and over again.   
  
  


  
The situation would be different, also the places they were at that moment, the person who surrounded them as well, but it always ends up to him being left behind.   
  


  
  
Soobin would never understand why he was quickly attached to Yeonjun. When the said boy left, he took a part of Soobin that could never be returned. His attachment was over the top, to the point that Soobin thinks he lived in deficiency after Yeonjun walked away.   
  


  
  
His heart and soul were both shattered and misplaced when Yeonjun came into his life, granting him a tad bit of hope in having someone who’s going to save him from breaking any further. And just when he was nearly coping up with living life and fetching every part of him that had fallen to the ground, Yeonjun drifted away with Soobin’s heart in his hands.   
  
  


  
The boy was simply his living hope, very much why he's got himself inclined to him.   
  


  
  
His eyes were forcefully shut when Soobin cruelly tugged his sheets closer to his body. He was in need of warmth, a reason to be more hopeful, or to survive in general.   
  


  
  
If people lived to disappoint him and fracture him further when it’s visible that he’s barely alive, what’s the purpose of dreaming that anybody out there would completely heal him?   
  


  
  
In the end Soobin knew better that he had no one to save him from the depths of sorrow. But he wished, no matter how impossible it was to think that there would be anyone, he wished that he had someone. One would do, just… someone. Because he could only wish.

  
  
  
  
  


_“Secret keeping, stop the bleeding_ _  
_ _Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating_ _  
_ _All the songs that I can't listen to, to tell the truth.”_

  
  
  


“Hi.”  
  
  


  
“Oh hey.”   
  


  
  
Soobin received a light tap on his shoulder before the person who came in and greeted him took the spot across the table he was occupying. He watched Renjun catch up to his breath, eventually flashing a smile at Soobin once he was able to control his breathing which Soobin kindly returned.   
  


  
  
“I'm sorry I'm a little late, I've been running errands so I can get back to studying,” he informed the other, a small smile was still plastered across his face when Renjun showed the documents he was holding the entire day. There were a few different folders and Soobin was able to catch a glance at the one on the very top. 

  
  
  


Renjun must’ve been applying for a scholarship other than transferring. He was a bright student still and all, despite making a somewhat bad name for himself and his reputation when people figured out that he cheated on Soobin.  
  


  
  
“It's okay,” Soobin mumbled, before he started to insensibly question the other. “Why did you move away, anyway?” he asked out of the blue.

  
  
  


Both of them were surprised at the sudden interrogation. Even Soobin was unbelievable at the words which were able to push past his lips. He had zero intentions in asking so, because deep inside of him, he already knew what the answer was going to be. And that no matter how subtle Renjun might try to answer it, it’ll still hurt nevertheless.

  
  
  


He left for another boy. He left because he can not withstand the stories circulating around the campus about him and the boy he chose in place of Soobin.

  
  
  


Soobin’s chuckle sounded so fake and awkward upon speaking. “Don’t even answer, I don’t know where that came from.”

  
  
  


Renjun mindlessly nodded at him, guilt slowly creeping and shooting through every nerve in his body that he avoided eye contact. He was well aware of what he’s done in the past and he’s reflecting and learning from it. And as Soobin was hurting from that certain event, he himself couldn’t help but be hurt too. 

  
  
  


They share the same pain after all. They’re each other’s cause of pain.

  
  
  


“What do you want to eat?” 

  
  
  


There was an ounce of bravery left in Renjun when he looked up to meet Soobin’s eyes. His smile was so little but so genuine, as it has always been. They stare at each other for quite some time, breaking into fits of laughter upon realizing that they were being stupid at the attempt of bringing up from what’s left in the past when both Renjun and Soobin have agreed at some time before that they will try to relive the friendship part of their relationship.

  
  
  


They were the closest of the closest friends after all, before they began dating.

  
  
  


“I’m sorry,” Soobin laughed it off, shoulders shaking from it. He pressed his back against his seat as he looked back at Renjun whose smile had gotten bigger and was anticipating an answer. “You know me, Jun. I am fine with whatever you order.”

  
  
  


“Of course,” Renjun answered as though he was proud of knowing it. “Just thought that some things might have changed,” then he pressed his lips into a thin line before making a popping sound, inaudibly adding, “because it’s been so long.”

  
  
  


“Change of hearts? Mindset? Plans? Whatever it is, I'm bad at it,” they chuckled at how Soobin viewed himself.. “So go ahead and order what you think sounds tasty.”

  
  
  


When Renjun was busy going through the list of dishes they could order, Soobin spoke to himself. He never verbalized any of it, as it's directly embedded in his head.

  
  
  


Change was one thing Soobin had a hard time going through. It makes no difference at how eager the universe was for him to change drastically because of things which caused him pain, he just never learned.

  
  
  


Startlingly, talking to Renjun came naturally to Soobin. The boy was the same boy he befriended and loved, whose thoughts were beyond the galaxy from how vast, opinionated and understanding he was. And Soobin, he was the same person who attended and listened to every beautiful thought that Renjun shared with him. It was as though Renjun had never tore his heart. It was as if Renjun had never shattered his soul.

  
  
  


“That's a lot.”

  
  
  


What's served in front of Soobin were around four to five varieties of dishes. The amount each dish held looked like it was supposed to be shared by a group of five in which Soobin asked Renjun about it.

  
  
  


“Are you trying to make me bloat in one go?” he laughed as he watched Renjun put utensils besides Soobin's plate, just like the old times.

  
  
  


“If that's how you wanna see it, then yes,” answered Renjun. He poured icy cold water into two glasses before settling the glass pitcher down.

  
  
  


“What do you mean?” Soobin asked, very expectant of an answer since Renjun's tone was hinting something. His eyes remained on the boy whose face was quickly etched with worry. Not a bit of his beam from earlier was found.

  
  
  


“Because you look like you haven’t been eating lately, Soobin.”

  
  
  


Soobin promptly moved his hands and tucked it between his thighs right after pulling the sleeves of his cardigan lower until he had covered his hands. He also instantly faked a smile, shaking his head no even though he felt how painful it was to curve his lips upwards from how dry his lips were from the lack of water intake and from how rough it was to feign the other into thinking that his smile held no story.

  
  
  


“Maybe I’m doing it on purpose,” Soobin tried to sound as convincing as he could be, but so much to his dismay, Renjun’s worried look did not shift to something good at all. “Renjun…”

  
  
  


“Why would you do so when you were perfectly fine before?” he asked. Renjun’s eyes glistened from concern which proved how his orbs always had the course to mirror his sensations. 

  
  
  


His eyes which observed Soobin’s frame reflected his attentiveness to people Renjun looked closely for as they were the ones he treasure and care for the most. Soobin wasn’t any different to those people. Even after stacks of heartbreak, tears, excess baggage carried all throughout, and unexpressed words — Renjun could never deny how much Soobin meant to him.

  
  
  


“It looks like you haven’t been taking care of yourself,” Renjun muttered, a sad smile was on his face. Soobin kept his stare down which just proved Renjun’s views about how he has been.

  
  
  


Bold as he was, he reached for Soobin’s hand on the other side of the table. He kept the boy’s hands in both of his warm and small ones, reminding himself that it was how he usually did it before. Renjun allowed his thumb to run on top of every knuckle in a reassuring manner until Soobin could perceive the life of having someone to let go to be able to hold someone else.

  
  
  


“I know nothing could ever justify my actions as to why I broke you…” Renjun’s touch maintained his sweet and undying caress, “but Soobin I am here for you. Your friends are. We all are.”

  
  
  


Soobin breathed in the tranquility he was getting from the person across him and looked up to meet his caring eyes. It felt nice deep inside, Soobin thought so, even if he knew from within that the person who broke him could never be the same person who will fix him and bring those broken shards into a whole piece.

  
  
  


“Maybe not as what we were before but I am here in whatever way you think I am here for,” Renjun smiled, hoping to reach out the gleam to Soobin. He always knew that Soobin looked best when he’s happy where his smile reaches his eyes. “Open up your heart to me, Soobin, and I will listen.”

  
  
  


Who knew that it was what it took for Soobin to start weeping his heart out to the person who once broke his heart. All because of Choi Yeonjun. Soobin was sobbing to another person who did the same. Maybe just as much. Or maybe even more. 

  
  
  


But it doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t hurt any less.

  
  
  
  
  


_“Hesitation, awkward conversation_ _  
_ _Running on low expectation_ _  
_ _Every siren that I was ignoring_ _  
_ _I'm paying for it.”_

  
  
  


[“You're gonna be late for class!”]  
  


  
  
“I know, Joon. Don't scream at me over the phone.”   
  
  


  
Soobin rolled his eyes as he fumbled with his keys inside his pocket. His phone was tucked between his ear and shoulder, one hand holding two large orders of his 'type of coffee' or what his friends call poison drink because of that one time they tried tasting it and hated it since then.   
  


  
  
[“Can't you lessen your coffee intake? You're one step closer to having your heart pump caffeine instead of blood.”]   
  


  
  
“I need my daily dose of coffee, okay?” he answered over the phone, moving his shoulder up a little when he felt how it was close to slipping off from the absence of proper grip. “I'm running low on caffeine, I need this,” he reasoned out, quite stressed to remember that he wasn't able to drink his morning coffee at home because he forgot to restock during the weekend.   
  


  
  
The first to drop on the dirty pavement was Soobin's keys which he was grateful for instead of having his phone in that place, but at the same time he realized how he's going to struggle bending down to get the keys when he's still holding his said daily dose of caffeine while trying to keep talking to Namjoon.   
  


  
  
“Goddamnit.”   
  


  
  
[“Everything okay there, bud?"]   
  


  
  
“Yeah,” Soobin sounded casual. “Actually, can you please drop the call already? I promise I'll be there in a few minutes. I dropped my keys and I'm struggling, I don't want to drop my coffee or my phone.”   
  


  
  
He heard a deep sigh from the other line, a sign of giving up from arguing with Soobin because Namjoon knew he wouldn't win at all.   
  


  
  
[“Just hurry up.”]   
  


  
  
“Yeah…” the answer came out dragged, steadying the phone between his ear and shoulder.   
  
  


  
And right before getting the chance to hear the phone call being ended, Soobin's phone was the next to drop on the ground. He winced at the impact, lightly closing his eyes at the sight.   
  
  


  
“Great,” he rolled his eyes upward, bending down to get his phone first, checking for possible scratches or cracks. He actually had to place one of his coffee cups down on the ground to pick up his phone.   
  


  
  
Soobin found it quite amusing to see that his phone appeared like it didn't fall from such a big height when he saw no defect, putting it back into his pocket to retrieve the keys he also dropped. He could just dust it off later when he’s inside his car. And the last to be obtained was his coffee which in no way would he ever leave it there when it’s the sole reason he was so low in energy.   
  
  


  
He smiled to himself, thinking he was lucky.   
  


  
  
Once Soobin retrieved his keys from the ground, inserted the split ring into his pinky finger, and stood from kneeling, his eyes fell to that one person who stood a few meters away from him. The person’s eyes were steadied at him, eyes fluttering as though he was astounded to see someone who he hadn’t seen in weeks, or months maybe.   
  
  


  
Maybe he wasn't lucky at all.   
  


  
  
Then there he was, in flesh, still so enamoring as Soobin remembered from the last he got to take in Choi Yeonjun's features.   
  
  


  
“Soobin?”

  
  
  


Soobin blinked rapidly at the thought that maybe he was just imagining things. But he wasn’t, he was sure that Yeonjun was really standing a few meters away from him.

  
  
  


He broke eye contact and searched for a car that might be familiar to him. That’s when he recognized Choi Beomgyu’s car which was parked not far from his very own. Of all places that the lovers could’ve gone to and they really had to be somewhere where Soobin was. Of all the faces he could’ve acknowledged and it had to be Yeonjun’s.

  
  
  


“You okay?” Yeonjun asked when he noticed how Soobin was struggling to balance his drinks in his hands. It was because he started to get shaky, weak, and breathless. Yeonjun didn’t have to know though. It was very much unnecessary to mention anyway. Not when they’re only looking eye to eye after two whole months of purposely avoiding him and his lover.

  
  
  


“Yeah…” Soobin lied, just like he always did. He wondered if it wasn’t visible enough for Yeonjun to discern how much Soobin was hurting and how he was the reason behind it. “Yeah, I was about to leave.”

  
  
  


And he turned his back against Yeonjun because on god, Soobin couldn’t face him yet. Seeing him breaks him further. Seeing him pushes all of his hard work off the cliff. Seeing Yeonjun reminds Soobin of how damaged his totality was.

  
  
  


But Yeonjun pushed with his questions, and it was so, so cruel for Soobin’s heart to ache for everything the boy could offer. He didn’t care if it’s a simple hello, or if it was something that could fracture him all over again. Soobin missed Yeonjun so much that he forgot to always remember that Yeonjun wasn’t his and would never be his. All pain aside, Soobin longed for anything he could get from Yeonjun.

  
  
  


“How are you?” Yeonjun asked with so much tenderness in his voice. “I haven’t seen you in weeks even though we attend the same University.”

  
  
  


“You think I would dare see you face to face?” Soobin hurriedly opened his car, keeping it wide open when he turned to look at Yeonjun. “My friends wouldn’t let me, even if I badly wanted to,” he added, placing down his coffee in the right compartment before looking back once again.

  
  
  


In such a small and helpless voice, Yeonjun apologized. 

  
  
  


“I’m sorry, Soobin.”

  
  
  


Because that is all they could ever be, to be sorry for each other’s hearts.

  
  
  


If Soobin wasn’t mistaken, he overheard his friends talking one time about the situation inside the council office. It was when they were supposed to hang out at Taehyun’s place at night and he was the last to arrive. He made sure to hear every detail and conceal everything in before pretending that he had just arrived and hadn’t heard a single thing.

  
  
  


“I feel like suffocating,” HueningKai admitted that night. His voice was strained and obvious that he was, for in fact, suffocating as he claimed himself to be. “I couldn’t freely move around the council office without thinking that Yeonjun and Soobin had something going on.”

  
  
  


Taehyun scoffed, sarcasm was so obvious when he spoke. “You’re not calling him Pres anymore?”

  
  
  


“I still do when needed,” sounds of bags of chips being opened were heard, “but outside the premises of our University, I just don’t.” There was an indistinct sound of chuckling before HueningKai continued whatever he was saying. “Why should I?”

  
  
  


“Picking sides?” Jin was the next to ask. There was a couple shuffling heard from the other side of the door as Soobin stood still from the outside, refusing to knock until he had heard what needed to be heard.

  
  
  


After Soobin told them the entire story, subsequently receiving opinions and advice from everyone, Namjoon made it clear that the topic should be buried six feet deep under the ground and shouldn’t be brought up without further notice. Maybe this was a chance for Soobin to finally do so.

  
  
  


“Obviously,” HueningKai snickered right after answering. Soobin heard him telling Taehyun to choose a different movie.

  
  
  


“I understand HueningKai,” it was Namjoon. “It’s me who always has to message Yeonjun or talk to him about school matters and it’s just so uncomfortable.”

  
  
  


Soobin’s heart sank at the feeling. His friends obviously had no intentions of guilt-tripping him but it felt like it.

  
  
  


“Does Yeonjun feel the same way though?” Jin wondered. He wasn’t like the others who were council members who first hand witnessed what goes on behind the doors of the office. “You know… awkward, tense, whatever there is to name.”

  
  
  


“Yeah…” Namjoon mumbled, but loud enough for Soobin to figure out his words. “He has apologized one too many times too. Not just to me, Taehyun and HueningKai. It’s mostly for and about Soobin.”

  
  
  


Taehyun was the next to let out an incomprehensible laugh, making it hard for Soobin to figure out if it was out of pure genuineness or mockery. Not until he heard what he said next.

  
  
  


“Yeonjun could’ve just walked away that night instead of doing so much just so he could knock on Soobin’s unit, kiss him, drag him to his mess, and fuck him up.” Namjoon called out for Taehyun’s harsh and unfitting words. “What? It’s true anyway,” and a soda can was popped open. “For being a leader, he sure is excellent. But as an individual? He’s an asshole.”

  
  
  


And Soobin was just incapable of doing anything at all, but be sorry for them.

  
  
  


The universe seemed to hate Soobin though, when Beomgyu arrived at the scene and the first thing he did was to reassuringly hold Yeonjun’s hand in his. Soobin’s orbs gazed down to their linked hands before looking back at the two of them.

  
  
  


“What’s going on?” Beomgyu asked, sensing the tension nevertheless adding to it.

  
  
  


Two whole months of mending their relationship and yet Soobin could distinguish the fear in his voice as though Soobin was the biggest threat in his life.

  
  
  


Yeonjun’s other hand flung across Beomgyu’s chest. “Nothing, babe. Soobin was about to leave when I saw him here.”

  
  
  


It was pure foolery for Soobin to muster and pull an impassive look although he was crumbling inside. It was very daunting for him, and he was not quite sure how long he would be able to stay that way. 

  
  
  


They fit, Soobin watched face to face. He had seen how Yeonjun and Beomgyu were suitable for each other before, and in a split second, it already had him wishing and wondering why he couldn’t be that person for Yeonjun instead. It was so, so effortless for Soobin to start hurting all over again. It made him recall how stupid has he gotten for even trying to get in between them when they’re evidently far beyond breakable.

  
  
  


Yeonjun was with Beomgyu. He chose Beomgyu. Soobin could never replace Beomgyu.

  
  
  


“I’m gonna go,” Soobin was breathless when he shakily opened the door to his seat which he had long forgotten. “I’m sorry, I need to go,” he scurried away.

  
  
  


He heard Yeonjun’s faint ‘nice to see you again’ before him and Beomgyu walked away from where they were. He stared at them for as long as he could, until it’s their car which was able to leave first before he could even do so. 

  
  
  


Soobin fisted his hair right before furiously hitting his steering wheel for a few times. He was thankful he was finally inside his car. And inside his said car, despite the small room for him to breathe, Soobin started to cry as though his wounds were fresh and people straight up poured alcohol on it. All the pent up pain and anger was bursting right then and there.

  
  
  


He was fully convinced that the universe hated his existence. That every bit of his life on Earth would be spent paying for the price of doting over someone who belonged to someone else.

  
  
  


It’s one of the unwritten rules in the universe _—_ to not steal anything. May it be a thing, a doing, or even a person. Someone pays for it when it’s done, and never will there ever be a remission or an escape. He who was indebted should pay.

  
  
  
  
  


“ _Loving you was young, and wild, and free_ _  
_ _Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet_ _  
_ _Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound_ _  
_ _A steady place to let down my defenses_ _  
_ _But loving you had consequences.”_

  
  
  


“Oh my god, Soobin…” Yeonjun was obviously in awe of the place, and in return, Soobin was in awe of how beautiful Yeonjun looked in the vicinity with so much delight in his eyes. “When did you discover this place?”

  
  
  


“It was actually Taehyun who suggested we look for this place since he’s the most adventurous person in our group.” Soobin naturally held Yeonjun’s hand as he navigated themselves towards the man-made cave where they could settle down everything they'd brought for their date. “Then we actually exerted so much effort to find this place because people rarely went here.”

  
  
  


“This is so beautiful…” and the birds chirped along with the sounds of the plunge pool and the water continuously flowing making things appear enchanted to Yeonjun who was so captivated by nature. 

  
  
  


He never thought he’d live to see the environment in its purest form, untouched by the hands of people who are in dire need to make something out of real beauty. The place was resourceful indeed, abundant in greens and so much more which God created for this world to take care and use, putting no harm to it.

  
  
  


Yeonjun’s mouth was agape when he placed down his bag on the bench. He left just as immediately to walk towards the very side of the river just so he could try dipping his feet into it. 

  
  
  


It was cold, but nothing his body couldn’t handle. The thrill bubbled at the pit of Yeonjun’s stomach that he wanted to jump right into the body of water and let things drown and flow away with the stream since life's been stressing him nowadays. A certain someone as, to be more specific.

  
  
  


“Be careful…” Soobin was swift with his movements in holding Yeonjun by his forearm. “The rocks are quite slippery.”

  
  
  


Yeonjun beamed at how thoughtful Soobin was. He twisted his body enough so he could hold the boy’s face in his hands and smile some more. “I am extra careful, don’t worry,” and he stroked his thumb across Soobin’s cheek. 

  
  
  


Soobin liked it best when Yeonjun doesn’t hold back how affectionate he could get with him. He had long acknowledged how pliant he gets when showered with even the tiniest bit of fondness one could give to Soobin.

  
  
  


He longs to be taken care of, touched, wanted, and needed. 

  
  
  


It just so happened that Soobin appreciated it more when given to him and when given by Yeonjun. For him, it's best when it's Yeonjun.

  
  
  


“Can we go take a swim now?” The giddiness was so visible in Yeonjun’s voice. “We can unpack the food later on, you know?”

  
  
  


Who was Soobin to resist Yeonjun? And even if he was another person, Soobin might still find it hard to say no to what Yeonjun requests. 

  
  
  


It didn’t take long for Yeonjun and Soobin to dive into the water. They were both ready to jump in anyway, they only had to leave their phones and everything they’ve shoved inside their pockets and they’re good to go. And when they were in, Yeonjun let out the most adorable giggle as he reached out and wrapped his arms around Soobin’s shoulders. The base wasn’t that steep as both boys could still feel the pebbles under their feet when they moved towards the very middle while being in each other’s arms.

  
  
  


“You don’t know how to swim?” Yeonjun swatted Soobin’s arm upon the teasing and he tittered while trying hard not to let his lips quiver from so much coldness. 

  
  
  


There was little to no difference with the wind. It hit their skin in strong whips of frost-like coldness, leaving them freezing. Their only source of warmth would be nothing else, but one another.

  
  
  


“I do, of course!” he laughed louder this time. “I just wanted to hold you and be held by you, Soobin. Am I not allowed to want that?”

  
  
  


There was a faint hint of teasing laced in Yeonjun’s voice. However, the way the boy securely kept his arms on Soobin as they drifted further from the side was no joke. Soobin felt how valued Yeonjun felt to be in such a tender grip. Like there’s no one to get mad at them for doing so, or that someone out there might pull them away from each other’s grasp.

  
  
  


“You are,” Soobin ardently answered without second thoughts or without considering anyone else but himself. “You are entitled to everything when it comes to me.”

  
  
  


There was no notice given when Yeonjun put a searing kiss on Soobin’s lips right before detaching his arms from the boy to dive down and swim away from him. It was short-lived but nothing that did not leave Soobin breathless whilst he heaved quite loud with lips parted from being left too quickly.

  
  
  


“This is so unfair to me,” Soobin tried swimming after Yeonjun in side strokes. “You can't just leave me be like that.”

  
  
  


Yeonjun started to walk underwater instead upon catching a glance of Soobin who was already near where he was situated. “I'm just trying to show off my swimming skills that’s why I had to go,” he kidded.

  
  
  


And when Soobin started to take longer trudgen strokes, Yeonjun let out another fit of laughter in between his continuous no’s along the lines of running away as hard as he could. The moment Soobin was able to grab Yeonjun’s waist and pull the boy closer to him, the latter started purposely splashing water directly on Soobin’s face.

  
  
  


“Stop!” Soobin was just as gleeful as Yeonjun was when they played with water.

  
  
  


“Make me,” Yeonjun answered, unintentionally flirtatious as it may sound.

  
  
  


The day passed in a blur for both Soobin and Yeonjun without their acknowledgement. Both have been busy anyway, taking breaks from swimming to share random stories, talk about the waterfalls, be all over each other and all the more one could name in so far as no other names should be mentioned. 

  
  
  


When it’s just them, anything and everything should also be about them and them only.

  
  
  


Yeonjun was watching clips of Soobin jumping from a branch straight into the water when Soobin called for his attention. The boy murmured under his breath, a curve stilled in his lips when he looked up at Soobin who had his palm facing upwards as though he was asking Yeonjun for a dance.

  
  
  


“What?” Yeonjun chuckled, but nevertheless placed down his phone to put down one hand on top of Soobin’s. “Are you asking me for prom?”

  
  
  


“No, silly,” Soobin rolled his eyes. He walked straight to the cemented bridge which separates the waterfall’s base to another tiered one. “Let’s take a swim one last time before we go,” he breathlessly mumbled to Yeonjun, a finger moving up to point exactly at the plunge pool.

  
  
  


“Is it safe?” Yeonjun asked when his eyes followed what Soobin pointed towards and he nodded at him, pulling him close to whisper something.

  
  
  


“You have me.” Soobin took the liberty to push back Yeonjun’s damp fringe so he could allow his sincerity to mirror in his eyes and reach Yeonjun. “You are safe when you are with me,” and Soobin pushed his hair until his hand reached Yeonjun’s nape, playing with the boy’s growing mullet.

  
  
  


Yeonjun’s eyes glistened when he met orbs which were sparkling back at him.

  
  
  


“Thank you for this short getaway…” Soobin was very much elated to hear those certain words from Yeonjun, like he had given him a chance to escape reality even if it’s for something brief. “I can't believe we have to leave in a few.”

  
  
  


“I understand,” said Soobin as he guided themselves on the way down the rocks and back into the water. “I have to return you after all.”

  
  
  


The look on Yeonjun's face was unreadable from how twisted it lies between regret and reality. He opened his mouth a little to say words he was never ready to say but luckily, it stayed at the tip of his tongue. 

  
  
  


It was something that would hurt them two. It would cut deep no matter how light it was going to be handled. A knife is a knife after all, and nothing would stop it from cutting.

  
  
  


Still, Yeonjun had to mutter a few things in lieu of the other he couldn’t say at all.

  
  
  


“I'm sorry, Soobin…” what the apology was for was unnamed, and Soobin would rather have it stay that way than to hurt from it. He knew having Yeonjun would hurt, but he also knew that it wouldn't if he tried hard enough to win his heart.

  
  
  


“It's okay,” he whispered, water dripping from his hair after they both took a dive closer to the plunge pool with hands tightly entwined. “Hold on.”

  
  
  


Soobin used his strength to swim while having Yeonjun in his arms. The moment they float right close to the plunge pool, the impact has gotten stronger and both of them have to hold on to each other in a much tighter way. Passing right under the waterfalls was a little painful considering the height and amount of water pouring directly onto them, but it was so worth it upon settling down on the rocks behind the falls.

  
  
  


“Did it hurt?” 

  
  
  


Soobin's hands were quick to peer over Yeonjun's arms. He had observed before that the boy has quite sensitive skin and that the water's impact might have hurt him even the slightest bit.

  
  
  


“Yeah, no denying that…” Yeonjun started, a continuation of his answer was at the very tip of his tongue. “But the shot was worth it right, Soobin?”

  
  
  


It was so sudden and random even, but Soobin figured it just as immediately. How Yeonjun’s question meant so much more than intended and Soobin would know it by heart.

  
  
  


“Of course,” he answered, as if remembering how it feels for him to agree to it. Soobin placed his hands on each of Yeonjun's sides as he kept himself situated in between his legs whilst keeping afloat at the same time.

  
  
  


Drips of water fell from each of their features, and Soobin was left to watch how it perfectly ran over Yeonjun's face. From his hair, down to his cheeks, sometime down on his nose bridge, and even on his slightly parted lips. It filled in the gap, as though asking for an invitation, and Soobin was nothing but weak when it came to Yeonjun.

  
  
  


And so no one was surprised between the two when Soobin plunged forward to capture the boy's lips in his.

  
  
  


It was so, so cold, icy even, to stay behind the waterfalls—behind what's shown. But it was just so worth taking the bullet supposing what they get from hiding.

  
  
  


Every touch was to be yearned for more. Numbing fingertips yet burns at every part it contacted. The scorching feeling melting their insides, molding when put together perfectly. Each tug was desperate, every second added more into the desire to be closer than before.

  
  
  


Soobin nibbled at Yeonjun's lower lip, leaving a bite with so much demand in it which made the boy let out a groan.

  
  
  


“God, Soobin…” Yeonjun placed his freezing hands on each side of Soobin's face. Their noses were touching, breaths mixing in from being unable to move away, ever so ready for another kiss. “Why are you such a good kisser.”

  
  
  


Coming out from Yeonjun's mouth, it sounded so right for Soobin. Regardless of how rights and morals crossed his mind about how wrong it was, it just felt so right for him.

  
  
  


“Am I?” he chuckled, wetting his already plump lips. He then moved forward to leave a kiss on the underside of Yeonjun's jaw, very tempted to take the skin in between his teeth from how much Yeonjun was craning his neck to the other side as though he was granting access.

  
  
  


“You…” Yeonjun was stifling a breath for a moment, “yes you are, Soobin.”

  
  
  


Soobin let his teeth graze on the skin for a split second before repositioning himself away for a few centimeters. He nosed the area instead, wondering how Yeonjun could smell that good after a whole day of swimming in salt water.

  
  
  


He breathed, weak and tired. “I can't leave a mark, can I?”

  
  
  


It was Yeonjun's turn to shift and tilt Soobin's head so they could see eye to eye. Without even letting words fall past Yeonjun's pinkish lips, Soobin understood that it was a no.

  
  
  


It's Beomgyu—the name they try so hard not to mention nor remember each time they meet in secrecy. Behind every line Yeonjun drew between him and Soobin was a person named Beomgyu who still loves him.

  
  
  


And with Yeonjun’s actions, it kind of rings a bell on Soobin. That Yeonjun might love Beomgyu still and all.

  
  
  


Soobin could only wish that in the end, it's him who Yeonjun was going to choose. Because if Beomgyu could love him this much, Soobin could guarantee that he could do just the same. 

  
  
  


If Yeonjun would let him.

  
  
  
  
  


_“Loving you was dumb, dark, and cheap_ _  
_ _Loving you will still take shots at me_ _  
_ _Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured_ _  
_ _And I lost so much more than my senses_ _  
_ _'Cause loving you had consequences.”_

  
  
  


Soobin's body remained heated from what happened earlier that morning. He recalled the thing he did and realized how he had put whatever they had at stake when he brought Yeonjun's council jacket to the radio station where his best friend stayed most of the time.

  
  
  


He felt so betrayed being cut off like that. Not when he was at the very edge of a cliff hanging and holding on as hard as he could, only to be left so suddenly without further ado.

  
  
  


How was he able to help himself? How was Soobin supposed to save himself from falling into depths if there was no one to hold his hand and pull him up? Irrational as it may sound, but the moment Soobin was able to get a tighter grip and realized the situation, he felt determined to drag Yeonjun down with him.

  
  
  


Like solidary creditors liable for each other's faults and mistakes, Soobin had to make sure Yeonjun pays just as much as he does. The mindset was crooked and unnecessary, but to think of how unjust it was for Soobin to be the only to suffer the pain and the pining, he couldn't just let it be. 

  
  
  


The door to Soobin's unit received loud knocks an hour before midnight strikes. Soobin wasn't expecting anyone, most probably because of how he shut off everyone around him once he left the premises of the radio station where he left a very tensed Taehyung and Yeonjun.

  
  
  


Then he remembered. Of course it would be no one else but him.

  
  
  


The knocks were loud, almost shaking the keys on the hook next to the wall. Rage was placed at the knuckles, and Soobin was sure that no one was as mad as him but Yeonjun.

  
  
  


“What were you thinking?” 

  
  
  


Yeonjun barged in and pushed past Soobin who had an unwelcoming look across his face. His thoughts were starting to get irrational, body getting warmer from the growing anger at how Yeonjun made it seem like Soobin was the only one who had wronged someone.

  
  
  


“Shouldn't you be the one who I should ask?” Soobin slammed his door shut, a little forceful from the dying feeling of landing his fist against something hard. “You think I'm not realizing what you're doing to me?”

  
  
  


Yeonjun whipped his head back, not having any crap nor time to sit back on the couch and feel at home. He's most likely not anymore, seeing from a different perspective and consideration of how the night's going to go bad with how they both let their feelings—mostly the losing temper, get the very best of them.

  
  
  


They were both good at pretending, so they did it one more time. Especially Yeonjun who acted with all his must as though he didn't know a single thing.

  
  
  


“Like what?” his stare was void and arctic, boring through Soobin. “What am I doing, Soobin?” he pushed the other's buttons.

  
  
  


“You are cutting me off!” Soobin yelled in so much frustration. He was grateful for the little distance between him and Yeonjun. There was a tad bit of chance for him to stop suffocating. “I have been there for you like you wanted me to be, and when I'm in too deep and needed you back, you started burning bridges between you and me.”

  
  
  


The rise and fall of Yeonjun's chest indicated how much he's struggling to gasp for breath. They were both suffocating, surviving to say the very least, from each other.

  
  
  


“Why are you doing this to me, Yeonjun?” Soobin asked, taking strides to where the boy was standing still. “Do I not matter even the slightest bit for you to just let me go like this?”

  
  
  


Yeonjun's tears welled at the corner of his eyes. The anger built up inside him was quickly changed by so much overwhelm. He feared something for some reason, his heart was aching, crying for various reasons—persons.

  
  
  


“I… I d-don't…” his voice was unstable, hands shaky and knees wobbly, barely bearing the pained look on Soobin's face. 

  
  
  


Soobin was only able to catch his first few words, repeating after him to clear it out. “I don't, Yeonjun?” he asked. 

  
  
  


Yeonjun refused to see him eye to eye when Soobin took a hold of his arms. He was persistent in breaking free, wanting to run away. 

  
  
  


None of them was ready to face what lies ahead of them, but Yeonjun was so much more afraid than the other. He couldn't put it into words as he didn't understand what he wanted at that time. Everything was crashing all at once, leaving him not a spare second or two to rethink his life choices.

  
  
  


“Look at me…” it was faint, almost inaudible. “Yeonjun, look at me. Do I not matter?” Soobin asked one more time, very desperate for an answer.

  
  
  


Yeonjun cried right then and there. As much as he hated to admit, it hurt him. Whether it's Soobin or Beomgyu, it simply hurt him.

  
  
  


“Why can't you look at me, Yeonjun?” Soobin's voice was hoarse. The refusal to even give him a glance angered him and tore him apart. “Why can't you look at me, Yeonjun? Goddamnit.”

  
  
  


He raked his hair in frustration when he turned back, pulling his hair out with teeth clenched hard. Soobin's eyes landed on the small table beside his couch and he allowed his hand to hold on to the lamp and threw it across the wall.

  
  
  


The bulb at the very middle smashed into pieces, leaving broken shards at the floor with wood pieces detached from the entire fixture. 

  
  
  


It startled Yeonjun, making him step backwards, wanting to be away from Soobin although he also wanted to hold the boys in his arms.

  
  
  


“Why can't you look at me the way you look at him?” Soobin asked across the room. His voice sounded like it sting deep within. He was close to being voiceless, taking in the rasp in his voice. The eyes which once looked at Yeonjun with so much fondness didn't glow as bright as it did before. Instead, it glinted all things opposite to it.

  
  
  


“I don’t know, Soobin…” it was poison being poured directly on Soobin’s windpipe. He just couldn’t breathe anymore.

  
  
  


Soobin was about to beg. He was ready to fall on his knees and plead to be chosen. Even out of pity, if it’s the only reason Yeonjun could pick him, he would do it.

  
  
  


“Yeonjun…” and he moved forward to hold Yeonjun’s arms but the boy broke free from his grasp and took a step back.

  
  
  


“I don’t know, Soobin!”

  
  
  


The sounds of ragged breathing surrounded them. The more they talk, the more they spew venom. It’s the part where they both think that they’re at the wake of destruction—it’s what left after what they thought would give them benefits was actually outweighed with more harm. If having each other’s backs for the time-being helped them save themselves from breaking, in the end, it was also them who had to stab knives on each other’s backs or even forthwith with their hearts.

  
  
  


“Didn’t we discuss this?” Yeonjun asked. He freely allowed his tears to stain his cheeks. There was no use in wiping them away, the pain would still stay in any case. “I was unsure of what I feel for you or for him. I still am, Soobin. But I just… I just…” he closed his eyes when he shook his head. “I just can’t leave Beomgyu.”

  
  
  


There was a quick recall of the times Soobin had subtly attempted to ask Yeonjun about this. Now that he thinks of it more, Yeonjun was—has always been vague with his answers. Soobin should’ve taken that as a hint, but on god, Yeonjun made him forget the sensible part of him, didn’t he?

  
  
  


“After all of what he’s done for you?” Soobin asked in mockery. “What about the things I’ve done for you to overtake the terrible things he did?” there were tears in Soobin’s eyes when he laughed. “Were those not enough? Am I not enough?”

  
  
  


Yeonjun didn’t have it in him to answer any further. Maybe it was mad crazy of him to even show up in the first place. It was such a bad idea, bad timing—he is, they are.

  
  
  


“You walk away now, you walk away forever.”

  
  
  


Yeonjun stopped in his tracks. Him and Soobin were side to side but were facing their own separate ways. He kept mum, eyes moving around to look inside the unit like it was going to be the last time he’ll be able to do so.

  
  
  


“You promised not to make me choose, don’t you remember?” Yeonjun pointed out, heaving hard. It was more of a mere verbal agreement, to be each other’s go-to person and to run to no one else but one another when things go rough and have that stay that way without involving their hearts. “Now you’re making me.”

  
  
  


He looked sideways and watched how Soobin's face remained stoic but with tears still escaping his eyes. Both of them are.

  
  
  


“Do you really wanna hear my answer now?” he asked and all Soobin did was to gather his remaining strength to meet Yeonjun’s eyes.

  
  
  


“You are so unfair to me, Yeonjun.”

  
  
  


Instead, Yeonjun continued his will to walk away, leaving them back to square one, exactly back to the day where they first met and have both of their hearts broken.

  
  
  


But before he closed the door he mumbled, “Soobin, I would really like to talk this out in peace.” Yeonjun didn’t see the need to turn back and continued speaking with his back facing the other boy. “It doesn’t have to end this way… let’s talk when we’re both rational,” he looked at his side, not fully turning towards Soobin, “we can’t just keep hurting each other, can we?”

  
  
  


Who would’ve thought that the state they were in when they met was entirely going to be the same state they would be when one chooses to walk out the door. Being with each other mended no heart at all, but destroyed the already shattered fragments.

  
  
  


When the clock struck twelve, Soobin remained on the floor. His body was slumped across where the broken lamp was, head in his hands as he tucked himself like a ball just to continue crying. The tears came less now and he was just completely tired. 

  
  
  


He was simply aching all over and there was no way for him to ease the pain. Soobin kept rubbing circles on his temples. Because if he were to name the body part that hurt the most, it has to be his head now.

  
  
  


“I-I love him…” he whispered, staring into the void. It was so late for such realization. Just when he already allowed the boy to walk out the door and have it permanently closed did it only dawn upon him. “I love Yeonjun.”

  
  
  


The pang in his heart followed.

  
  
  


It was obviously insane because he truly did, otherwise, his heart wouldn't have constricted this bad if Soobin didn’t. Each of Yeonjun’s smiles caused every somersault. His laughter brought Soobin equal or even greater joy. When Yeonjun cried, his heart felt the same sentiment and cried with him. All of his touches—Yeonjun’s fiery touches set Soobin’s heart flaming to the point it set him purely in ablaze. 

  
  
  


He was radiant, bright, gleaming, but he was on fire after all.

  
  
  


Yeonjun simply ignited the dying spark in Soobin’s heart.

  
  
  


People say where there is flame, someone bounds to get burned.

  
  
  


Soobin did. And now he’s turned to ashes.

  
  
  


For someone who was ashes, refined and unbuildable, a useless remain, a worthless ember of someone who searched for the temporary spark… How was Soobin going to rise up again?

  
  
  
  
  


_“Yeah, loving you.”_

  
  
  


Maybe Soobin was in love with Yeonjun, or maybe he was still, but that's a little too late for him to admit it to himself or to Yeonjun. Even if he did, there was no probability that the boy would love him back.

  
  
  


As long as Beomgyu’s there, him and Yeonjun can never be.

  
  
  


Maybe in another lifetime they could be, but definitely not in this lifetime.  
  


  
  
So now Soobin has to bear loving someone who's loving someone else. 

  
  
  


Simple as it may sound but loving Yeonjun was no easy. Not when Soobin pays for the price of doing so. 

Loving him causes Soobin's downfall. It was poison. Loving Yeonjun had consequences.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> talk to me ~
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/gyuinara)  
> [Curious Cat](https://t.co/frfdT5uQNp?amp=1)
> 
> Thank you for sharing the pain with me :'D


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